Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Ba-aaaack

Hello again, hello.  (Just called to say hello.)

Firstly, a brief explanation.  I was blindsided last week by news that Mex had cheated on me.  There was another person when we were breaking up, through the breakup period, then it lasted longer than it should when we were getting back together.  And he saw her about a month ago to tell her he was done with her (why in person? why?) and they got drunk and she brought him upstairs again.  I only found out because turns out she got ectopically pregnant and he, of course, had to face up to his actions and realize what he'd done.  So here we are.  It's extremely difficult and confusing and hurtful and I sort of want to become addicted to drugs to escape, and every day I feel different things.  I'm still talking to him, partially to get information (I ask a lot of questions about what happened) and to make sure her non-baby goes away as it's supposed to.  (There is a doctor's appointment today.)  I am also having a hard time not talking to him, as I want to know why he did this and how he could.  (In my head it's like he split into two different people--the one that made me very happy and then this evil maniac.)  He's still working out why he did it, as he was in some serious denial/depravity, but he's seemingly hit rock bottom with his drinking and now says he's interested in getting some therapy help and making a change.  That said, I'm not holding my breath.  Also, I hate him a lot and can't imagine trusting him, but I also still love him some, too.  That's what's so strange.  But it's not as if I have to decide anything right now (as far as whether I am going to try to trust him) since he has lots of work to do on himself.  I know he wants to get help and see if we can be together again in the future, but that's far off in my head, if it's even a possibility.  I'm just trying to survive each day, as it's a crazy place in my head.  Oh, and I got some tests run at the lady doc on Monday eve, so here's hoping he DOESN'T call me this week with any positive results.  So that's the story.  Sorry it's not so great.

Otherwise, I have wonderful friends who are keeping me social and letting me feel my feelings, and I even kissed a very hot 23-year-old (aka "a teen") last Saturday.  It was nice, but it was also upsetting because I just don't think I'm supposed to be there again, yet here I am.  Alas.  I've lost weight, which is strange because though I wasn't eating at first, I have since made up for it (especially with a hangover Sunday menu of nachos AND sweet & sour chicken!  Sick!)  I am going to at least focus on my diet and exercise as some sort of distraction, and I'm taking non-medicated OTC sleeping pills at night so I can sleep through till morning, and I am (yes, I know) smoking like a chimney, but those last two will abate with time.

SO.  Debbie Downer, eh?  Well, last night I walked home from work with Schmauren, and it was lovely.  Tonight I am going to watch DVR'd Glee (how can they pit it against Lost?) after I do some exercise, perhaps Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred to mix it up.  I'm also going to try not to crazily stare at my phone, waiting to hear that her doc appt. went as expected and now he's done speaking to her.  But I might.

Food plan:
B - Special K, coffee, milk - 4
L - turkey & muenster sammy, yogurt with strawberries - 6
D - Creamy Artichoke Lasagne, salad - 6
S - orange, Ginger Carrot soup, string cheese - 3
Total - 19 (maybe I'll add Sugar Free Jello Pudding for dessert?)
Activity - bike at the gym or SHREDDING

1 comment:

  1. Girl, that totally sucks. I'm so sorry! Just take some space and focus on you for a while. God has a plan even if we can't figure out what it is while we're in the middle of a dark tunnel. Just hang with your girls and live it up in the city:)