Not Dead Yet

Wow, again, keeping up with this is getting difficult!  But hey, I'm back to being a little slow at work again, and there are so many things to talk about.  Get ready, world.

Let's do major topic summaries, shall we?

Love:  Things are pretty good!  Hike and I are still learning how to fight, but it's getting better, and we really only have big ones when we're both tired at the same time and short on patience.  It's new to me that he feels I get cold and distant in an argument, because I never would have thought of myself that way, but I admit that it's true that I want to win at any cost, plus I want to protect myself, so I sort of get really rational and act superior.  I'm working on that.  He, of course, gets angry and irrational and I hate that, so it's a process.  Surprisingly (or not), he responds better when I just yell whatever I'm thinking (i.e. "You're being retarded and I don't understand why!") -- he'll get calm again.  We obviously come from different fighting camps, and it's an interesting process. 

But in BIG LOVE NEWS (or whatever), we signed a lease together!  I was feeling ready to leave my roommate situation and soon, so we started looking in late January for March 1.  There are not a lot of options for March 1 that early, but we saw a few and really liked one of them, so we moved quickly.  It was actually supposed to be a Feb 15 move-in, and we were asking the owner if we could delay, but turns out the current tenants' move-out got delayed so March 1 was perfect.  It's still in Astoria, but on a different subway stop (the one where I wanted to be) and less than a 3 minute walk to the train.  It's on an avenue, so it's a busier section, but the apartment is cute and laid out really nicely, with a separate eat-in kitchen and a linen closet.  Also only one clothes closet in the living room, but hey, that's NY.  We'll just buy an Ikea wardrobe.  So the plan is that I'll move March 3 (Saturday) and he'll join me probably June 1, when the Spring semester of school (his MBA) is finished.  He can't really handle doing it during school, both time-wise and stress-wise.  I like it because I can sort of experience living alone for awhile (even though he'll be around quite a bit) before I never do again (in theory, at least.)  I'm currently going crazy with online ordering of things like shower curtains, kitchen tools, etc., but it's fun.  I've also just started packing books and things, and after this weekend, I'll really get down to it.  I can't wait to set up a place just how I want it, without someone moving my shampoo because she thinks there's a better spot for it or whatever.  I'll be FREEEEEEE.

Oh, and this weekend we're going away to Cornwall, PA for a B&B celebration of Valentine's Day.  Yesterday Hike had a dozen roses and chocolate delivered to me at work, then we had a nice dinner and he gave me a book about Downton Abbey. :)  We did get into a small disagreement at the end of dinner because I wanted to talk about how it hurts me when he keeps telling me our engagement timeline and then changing it, and I thought we could handle talking about it positively and without a problem, but then he lost his patience and said I wouldn't let it go.  I said he should practice active listening so I know he understands.  Anyway, we resolved it rather quickly but WHY CAN WE NOT CELEBRATE SOMETHING WITHOUT HAVING AN ISSUE?  Also, related, why can I not talk about what's on my mind all the time?  Blahhhhh but it's all fine now.  He understands and said it won't happen again.  Whatever, I just want it to be an exciting topic and not such a crappy one.  It's not that I'm saying "propose now!" I'm just saying "stop pushing it back four times please."  That doesn't make me feel very desired.  Despite your promises to the contrary.

So...oh right, so I changed my mind on the "I want to be engaged before we live together," because it was adding so much pressure and deadliney-feelings to the whole thing.  Also, I'm sort of OK not being engaged yet.  I feel like I want to work some of our communication issues out first.  And obviously it's not really a fun topic right now anyway, so I just want to ease off of that.  One thing at a time.  He thinks the summer will be a good time for him to get it together with proposing, so we'll see what happens.  I'm fine with waiting right now.  And scene.

Weight:  I'm casually doing Weight Watchers, and I also made some big changes to my "everyday" meals.  No more cereal for breakfast, and instead I'm having one hard-boiled egg and some cottage cheese with fruit.  I am also eating almonds instead of granola/Special K bars.  I was feeling like I wanted to cut out some of the processed carbs, and it (along with fewer splurges) has made a bit of difference.  I'm down around 5 lbs, give or take, but it's going very slowly.  I feel like part of it is the "turning 30" curse, and most of it is my social eating and sweet tooth temptations.  Still, it's a journey and it's going OK.  I read a book called "The Petite Advantage" which had some good information about weight and health for petite ladies, and one thing I liked is that the author was very anti-cardio.  He says you should move as much as possible, but long cardio stretches really only cause you to hunch over, hurt your body and eat more afterwards.  He's big on strength training because of the long, lean muscles and the longer caloric afterburn.  So I bought some over-the-door "gravity straps" and want to do his strength-training plan, but I've only done it about once so far (in the past month.)  It seems like the nights where I have time, I just feel so exhausted when I get home.  Or I am doing moving stuff or Hike stuff or whatever.  Part of that is the winter laziness, and part is lack of motivation.  Oh, and being ill, which I'll get to shortly.  But I know it'll come along, and I'm not giving up on it.  Plus, it's cheaper than a gym membership.  I'm also taking Vitamin D supplements now because those are supposed to help me not want to be in bed all day, every day in the winter.  We'll see, it's only been a week on those.

Health:  I've had a reoccuring case of pink eye this winter.  I have never had it in my LIFE, and have no idea where it came from this time, but it started about January 9.  I went to the doctor, got on eye drops, went back for a follow-up a week later, she said it's better and I can wean off the drops, and then the following week I'd wake up with it again.  This has happened twice more since the first appearance.  Finally the doctor sent me to a specialist, who I like better but basically just added more medicine (an ointment I have to put ON MY EYEBALLS before bed).  I saw her today for my follow-up and she says I'm better, and she's going to wean me off medicine, and she still wants to see me again in three weeks.  So this time I won't take any risks with eye creams or concealer (the last doctor told me I could just wipe off the top of the pot, but NEVER AGAIN) and I'm using washcloths for only one day, etc.  Obviously I've been through about four mascaras, though it's usually only that last weekend before the re-appearance that I've used any makeup.  I'm tired of looking like I have the Spanish flu!

I think that hits all of the recent news.  I'll try to be better about posting, and shorter, for those who don't feel like reading a book.  I'm just so LETHARGIC with this stupid winter.  I need a snowstorm to perk me up!

Weekend Update

That is all for now.

Back to Blech

Good morning and happy hump day!  I'm starting to feel like I belong in my New York life again, though just barely.  Let's catch up on the rest of my visit home, shall we?

Sooo Britch's Scottish boyfriend proposed to her on the Wednesday after Xmas, which was thrilling for all of us. Hike's highly-anticipated arrival was on Thursday, then home for fam dinner, then out with the friends, and we all got silly at Mutz (a bar) and he met the whole crew.  I think he did really well for being surrounded by strangers, most of whom were related to Britch.

Friday aka New Year's Eve, we laid around watching TV all day since we were hungover and had stayed up late, then went to a house party with the friends at Britch's house.  We had lots of fun though we were a lot calmer than the night before.

Saturday we drove around town for the afternoon so I could show him little stuff, and we stopped at B&J's house to meet their boxer (and my other boyfriend), Cash, and then at night we double-dated with my parents -- we went out for steak dinner and then to the local Walleye hockey game.  It was nice and very comfortable (though I think we were still low-energy from recovering from Thursday night.  We are so old.)

We all went to church on Sunday morning and then ate dinner in front of the Steeler's game in the den (to humor my dad and brother).

Oh, and Hike met my Grandma before she left on Friday, and she thinks he's a "nice young man."  He really got along with my brother, too, so all in all it went as well as it could have.  My parents are huge fans. The only embarrassment was caused by my friends telling him all my high school stories, of course.  ("Stephanie used to spit out milk at lunch all the time when she laughed, Stephanie has no butt crack," etc.) 

All in all, it was a relaxing and calm vacation, and I'm still adjusting to being back.  I think I'm a bit homesick still -- or maybe just relaxation-sick.  But I hate leaving my family at first, and knowing I won't see them until the summer, especially with my parents getting older, not to mention Grandma.  I mean, it's the only option, but it's hard right now.  Soon I will be fully back into the swing of my life here and feel fine, but I'm in that January funk right now.  Hike says we should plan something else to look forward to, and I agree.  It won't be CHRISTMAS, of course, but something on the horizon would be nice!

So Monday morning I flew in, went to work, then met the Harpies for dinner with our dearly departed member who now lives in Ireland!  She's visiting so it was good to be fully reunited and eat tons of great tapas.  Yesterday I grocery shopped to stock up the fridge and make some healthy stuff again (I think I gained 4 pounds at home, but I can feel that,) and then cooked.  Weight Watchers Cream of Broccoli Soup with garlic chicken sausage (for protein) and then I put together a butternut squash pasta bake for dinner tonight, so tonight I just have to bake it for a bit.  Hike's coming over for dinner, yay!  I'll also saute some spinach with mushrooms and onions for a hearty and healthy winter meal. 

We've made some plans, too, since it seems like the calendars are filling up.  I love having a boyfriend who will make plans!  We're going out Friday night, then he may join me for a friend's bday party on Saturday (tbd), we may go to Long Island to see his mom, and then next Thursday I'm going to meet his college friend and we're going to see a drag showing of Sunset Boulevard in Chelsea.  I am inordinately excited about this.  Apparently his friend was a bit concerned about how draggy it is, like I might be offended or uncomfortable, and Hike told him that I'd "get a kick out of it."  I was like Honey, those are my people.  It's going to be awesome.

I do have to reflect more on the New Year and what I want to do with my brain, so that will be another post, but this was the big catch-all.  Happy 2011, lovers!

Sedatives, Please

Oyyy I think someone slipped me some caffeine last night.  I couldn't sleep until after 1:00 am, which is way too late for this little princess.  My eyes are tired and sore today, and to top it off, I forgot to bring my eyeliner, so I look rather dead.  Today is going to be rough.  I was just up worrying about the gamut of things I could possibly fret about, and my brain would not slow down.  It's so aggravating.

So today!  I have dodgeball late, at 8:20, so I may be able to get a nap in beforehand.  I'm also tentatively Skyping with Britch, but I can have it all, right?  ANNNDDD in sad news for Britch but happy news for me, she has to come back to the States for awhile until she can get her Visa in order to live in London and get her PhD, so that means she'll be in Ohio at Christmas and I can finally SEE HER.  It's been a year, I think, which is the longest we've ever been apart.  *Sniff*  And I can meet her sexy Scottish boyfriend when he visits for the holidays, too.  Amazing.

My haircut last night was lovely, and on the way to the salon I walked through Madison Square Park to check out the doggies (aw) and then through Eataly, which wasn't so crowded on a Monday evening and was very interesting!  It's a little overwhelming, but not as crazy as I'd pictured from reading about it, and I'm glad I saw the whole Italian market mall in person.  Hike and I were texting, and I mentioned where I was, and he said he was just going to check it out too, on his way to an open house (for an MBA program at Baruch), but he ran out of time.  Otherwise we would've run into each other (or not, as that place is large.)  How romantic comedy that would have been!  We have so much in common. 

Then after a battle with the MTA that resulted in my finally hailing a cab at 63rd and Lex after being underground for almost an hour, I ate dinner, watched HIMYM, then read more of my freelance project.

I was thinking about this as I lay awake for hours last night, and I have such a romantic pattern ingrained in me -- that of pursuit, of always needing more attention/affection, of chasing.  And to be really psychoanalytical about it, I know it can be traced back to my childhood.  I had very loving parents, don't get me wrong, but I had a very busy Dad who had to be away from the house a lot for work all day and then again for meetings after dinner at home with the family.  I never felt unloved, but I definitely felt like he wasn't around and I wanted to see him a lot more.  But then when he was, it was so special and exciting -- and sometimes we'd go roller skating!  So basically I formed this pattern of drought then flood, in terms of love or time spent together, which is one of my main "love languages." 

I'm not trying to be creepy about this, just aware of why my brain both loves and hates unavailable men.  And why I sometimes get cranky about this one that is super-available.  I'm also not complaining -- I feel very lucky to have met Hike and to have his attention so readily.  So now I have to make sure to appreciate what I have and to relax when I feel like we're talking too much and we have nothing to say.

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for today.  I don't even want to get into my inferiority complex at work, which is another topic that I worked to death in my brain last night.  (Along with panic about the possibility of having a boyfriend, fear that I'm still hung up on Mex, nerves about mixing my two worlds this weekend, etc.)  Maybe some other time -- aren't you excited? 

OH, but I read in an astrology guide that people born on my birthday are destined to be worriers.  So it's not my fault.

Coffee Coffee Coffee and What I Ate

So I've been drinking more coffee in the mornings because I've been cold in my office and because we have a new pot in the kitchen so it's convenient and because it staves off hunger, but now I am feeling preeeettty wired.  It's like the Halloween Garfield episode where he becomes a candy addict and just says CANDY CANDY CANDY over and over.  I would post a video, but I forgot my earphones so I can't vet the Youtube results before sharing.  I wouldn't want to put up something too scary.  Or...let's try this.  IS IT THE ONE?



So today is gloomy, eh?  It seems hard to believe that it's not going to rain, but that's what the weatherman says.  I would pretty much prefer the rain so that I didn't have to practice softball and I could go home and make Creamy Ricotta-Artichoke Lasagna (the recipe I found last week) (speaking of Garfield), now that I grocery-shopped for it last night.  And then Mex could come over for a cozy dinner, and my roomie would be gone for the whole evening, and...sigh.  Instead, it's supposed to clear up and we'll practice for three hours.  I'm sure it'll be fun once I get out there (?) but it's not sounding so good.

I just finished writing another book proposal for my freelance pimp.  I love being done and hopefully not having another on my plate for a few days...though he's already talking to me about his editing his graphic novel.  We shall see.  At least I've decided to raise my rates for the next project, so that'll be some nice extra shopping money.

Walking home last night was just lovely, and I didn't suffer any loss of motivation, which is rare, especially for a Monday.  Then I had a moderately successful grocery shopping trip, though my stupid local store manager thought it was strange that I would want to buy pine nuts.  So I went to the slightly pricier but nicer store up the street, thanks.  Then home for dinner, How I Met Your Mother, a phone call from Mex, then fairly early to bed, though I didn't sleep right away despite being leg-tired from my walking.  Oh well, my active mind is a curse.

Last night I dreamt about that friend who maybe is in love with me.  This was the second dream I'd had about him being in love with me, and it developed to where we were kissing, but I was cheating on Mex in the dream and very conflicted.  Also, friend was drunk, as he was in the first dream.  What does it all mean?  Do I only think drunk men love me?  (That would be sad.)  Obviously I'm slightly intrigued at the possibilities of him loving me, but it's just so vivid in the dreams, and I sort of feel guilt today, even if it's all imaginary.  So strange.

Today's eating.
B - Special K, milk, coffee - 4
L - turkey & swiss sammy, yogurt with strawberries - 6
D - TBD, may be out after softball
S - string cheese, soup, granny bar - 4
Total - 14 plus dinner
Activity - either softball or cooking lasagna

Hello Toes and What I Ate

It's my first day of commuting in flip flops!  Sadly I do not have a perfect manicure, but my feet don't look too terrible, and I decided I didn't care.  They're generally far away from people's eyes, anyway.  And now my toes can feel the breeze!

Well, I finally did some spring shopping online yesterday.  I went a little crazy at Kohl's.com, but I had a hard time finding things I liked at other sites, which is very strange for me!  Still, I ordered three dresses (below) and three shrug cardigans (white, bright pink, and beige), which help me make work-appropriate outfits out of anything.  In case you're curious, here are the dresses -- let's cross our fingers that they fit!

There are a lot of prints, but hey, I like prints.  We'll have to see how they look in person.

I also discovered a delicious-sounding recipe this morning for Creamy Ricotta-Artichoke Lasagna, which is only 6 Weight Watcher points per serving, and which seems like a good make-ahead-and-freeze dinner option.  Plus, I already have some frozen 'chokes at home from TJ's, so I'm doing well on the ingredient list so far.  I'll let you know how it turns out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself, food-wise.  Tonight is the Chimichurri Salmon with Couscous and Salad dinner I'm making for my lover and myself.  I'm very excited to taste the rainbow, but we're also going to have to eat later as Mex has some work to do, so I'm going to have to snack to stave off my hunger.  At least my roommate packaged up all the Easter cookies she'd baked to give away, so there are fewer hanging around to tempt me.  (I got home from my walk last night and ate three right away.  I couldn't stop myself, which is why I know it's best for me to avoid temptation entirely.  I have the willpower of a daisy.)

So my plan for today is a coffee date after work, a stop at the grocery store in Astoria to buy a few things I forgot last night (like milk for the weekend), then home to relax and get ready for company.  I love the weather today, so I'm in a very relaxed, happy mood.  (Yesterday was too hot, but a high of 79 I can deal with.) 

I'm also just very content with my relationship status.  I know these things ebb and flow, and I know I am particularly skilled at creating snags to worry about, but even the frequent communication is where I'd like it to be.  We'd emailed yesterday a little, but last night I was thinking that I'd give him a call to see how his day went (because we're almost at a verbal call-a-day level now, which is a new thing), since he'd been initiating lately.  I was going to call after my shower, but when I got out and picked up my phone, I'd missed a call from him.  Perfect timing!  I know it's silly, but I do appreciate a lot of communication -- it makes me feel involved and thought of and cared for.  It's one of my love languages, I guess under Quality Time.  So though he is naturally someone who is used to alone time and being mostly introverted, we're finding a balance that seems to be working well.  (And has been two years coming.)  Though it may not be fair to call it a balance, since it seems to suit my needs...though I don't think he "needs" to be left alone, he just can be fine with a day or two of silence, whereas to me that means the relationship is in TROUBLE.  Anyway, he's at least accommodating me (and I think enjoying it now), and I am very pleasantly relaxed and confident.

Well, enough gooey stuff.  Who watches Ugly Betty?  Who is really annoyed that they're [SPOILER ALERT] matching up Betty and Daniel?  I know I am -- even if the show is ending, it doesn't mean everyone has to be paired off so easily.  I also was reflecting on how Amanda might be one of my favorite TV characters ever...she's the best part of that show.

Guys, when can we go on vacation again?  When can we retire? 

Fooders.

B - Honey O's, coffee, milk - 4

L - sammy, orange - 5

D - salmon, couscous, salad - 10

S - string cheese, soup, granny bar - 5

Total - 24 (am dipping into flexies, as if I keep track!)

Activity - walking as much as I can with time constraints and in flip flops

What I Ate and Not Much Else: Wednesday

Afternoon, chaps.

I know I promised wisdom yesterday, but then I got too busy at work, which really cuts into my internet time. And now any "wisdom" I felt (you know I was being facetious, right?) is mostly gone again, anyway. Essentially, you can't take promises to the bank. And I guess it's OK to have a misstep now and again, right? I can't be perfect all the time...just almost. (Riiiight.)

I'm being vague. All I'm saying is, sometimes feelings get brought up unexpectedly, like they did for me this past weekend, and now I'm beating myself up about it. But I'm trying not to. I know what I'm looking for in a relationship, so there's no real confusion for me with the ex, just a tiny (huge) wish that he could change. But that's up to him, not me, and any romantic overtures are also up to him, right? I am just being reminded yet again that I do not live well in the gray areas of life. Does anyone have tips for how to get better at that?



Anyway, food.
B - coffee, Smart Start, skim milk (5)
L - chicken and swiss on sandwich thin with provolone, L&T, Miracle Whip light and mustard; apple (5)
D - Butternut Squash Pasta (5); romaine salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, homemade vinaigrette (2)
S - Dannon Light & Fit yogurt, light string cheese (3)
Total - 19
Activity - *headdesk* while catching up on freelance projects
Flex points remaining - 35
Weight - 144.5 -1.5! (I couldn't tell where exactly the needle was hovering, so we'll split the difference!)

It's probably good for me to take tonight off from the gym, as I plan on going tomorrow and need the break, plus I have to deal with the terrible writers for whom I'm writing book proposals at exhorbitant rates. (I am still amazed at the people who think they're qualified to be published.) But money talks -- unlike PROMISES. Hope you all have a lovely hump day!