Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Why Am I Here (and Where Am I Going?)

Well, this was one of those snow"storms" where the boss said "Come in if you can do so safely.  If you want to work from home, that's OK."  But yeah, I live in Astoria, not Long Island or New Jersey, so the gd honor code makes me feel like I have to show up!  Argghh.  This morning was productively spent cleaning out my inboxes (work and Gmail) and calling insurance companies or doctors' offices about all sorts of incorrect billing issues.  Stupid health insurance and doctors' offices.  But then a few of us went out to a nice lunch (why do we split it EVENLY when only two of you had BEER?  Not fair.) and now I have my window open because it's as hot as hell in here, but there's some Haiti protest outside that is riling me up and making me even less interested in work.  I just want to GOOOOOO.

I do think I'll leave a little early because I have an overdue library book, and why not walk to the library by 6 pm (when it closes) and then grocery shop instead of going to the gym?  That sounds reasonable, right?  Snow walking is probably even better exercise than regular walking -- kind of like beach walking.

I am happy to unexpectedly have a free night tonight.  I was supposed to be volunteering at our CSA, but the delivery was rescheduled for tomorrow (due to "storm") so now I'm out of it, and the roomie will pick up the veggies tomorrow since I have a Very Gay Date.  A Gayte.  This week's been nice so far, but I still just want to hibernate.  Monday I did my laundry and watched Downton Abbey, then last night Hike came over with leftover Sunday dinner from Grandma, and I made some veggies, and we watched my third cousin Tosh on Comedy Central then snuggled up for some Fraggle Rock and snow watching.  So tonight I'll maybe make another soup after the snow walk, then hibernate some more.

At least the Haitians seem to have ended their yelling.  Now I just have to stay awake at my desk.

OH, so I had one cigarette yesterday and I do feel ashamed, but other than that, I haven't smoked since Sunday night.  It's really getting harder, actually -- though when I smoked that one, it wasn't so special.  It didn't taste great or anything, and it made me feel like a failure.  And otherwise I've been feeling pretty proud of myself, and like a respectable citizen and all of that.  It's nice to not be ashamed of anything, really, even though I hadn't realized how much I was subconsciously while smoking.  So maybe now would be a good time to make a list of reasons why I am quitting?  Feel free to add any in the comments, friends.
  • Obviously it is bad for my health.  While things like cancer and lung problems seem far away (knock on wood), the more immediate impact is the exacerbation of my Crohn's, stressing my poor heart that is also on birth control, and irritation of my gums.
  • It is low-class.  I take pride in my ability to be something of a chameleon in this area -- I love dive bars and canned beer but could also fit in at higher society functions (or at least I've been believing this for awhile.)  But smoking is decidedly for the poors and rednecks.  It doesn't fit with my self-image.  And that said, my self-image has been changing a bit lately, too -- fewer crazy nights in trashy bars with trashier men, and more home- and family-oriented time.  I feel better about this change already.
  • It makes me stinky.  I've obviously grown accustomed to the smell, but now that I'm dating someone whom I still want to impress, I'm more aware of smelling like smoke, and especially having dragon breath.  I am chewing lots of gum (which I'd do anyway) but I'm sure peppermint tobacco isn't a great mixture to French kiss. 
  • It also makes me miss things.  I excuse myself to smoke and always enjoyed the break from work or the party or the noise or the difficult conversation, etc., but now I am leaving my dreamy boyfriend alone or missing funny things at the party, and I hate missing great stuff.
  • I am thinking more about marriage and family in my near-ish future, and I certainly don't want to be a smoker for any of those phases of my life, when I'm "grown-up" and need to be healthy and happy and in great reproductive shape. 
  • I was spending about $12 every two days on a pack of cigs (not including the drinking times when I smoke more,) and that means $42 a week, $168 a month, and $2016 a year.  Ridiculous.
I think there are probably more, but that's as far as I've gotten right now.  And my determination has been re-upped!  Any help, encouragement, over-dramatic praise, etc. would be appreciated.  Anything except smoke-shaming or berating, please -- I tend to respond negatively to those methods.

Oh, and I'm also trying to drink even less right now so that I'm not tempted, since nothing's better than smoking while drinking.  (I mean, THAT'S NOT TRUE, SELF.)  I didn't have a beer at lunch even though two of the guys did, but this Friday's Henna Party will be a tough trial.  So wish me luck, friends.  I mostly just need to not WANT those little cancer sticks.  I am better than them, RIGHT?


1 comment:

  1. No matter how many times you cheated this past week, you are doing an EXCELLENT JOB. Keep up the good work, pal, and I will not tempt you tomorrow night. I mean, not tempt you with cigs-- all other bets are off!