Friday, March 11, 2011

Cheaters and Liars and Tears, Oh My

To this day my husband never found out. How the hell did I get away with it? I was a cheater and a liar, and it takes one to know one. That’s why he never suspected me. Because he’s not a cheater and a liar. He never thought in that way.

I just read this article about a guy who's made a movie about divorce, based on his research with real-life divorcees, and it's interesting, mostly because of the excerpts from his interviews.  We all want to think this could never be us, and I'm so terrified of it being me that when I read these stories, I try to immediately come up with a reason that my relationship is different, so I can be sure I'm not following that path.  But the quote above is from an unfaithful wife (now ex-wife, of course), and it struck a particular nerve with me.  A happy nerve, actually.  As you probably know, I blame myself for not realizing that Mex was cheating on me, and for not picking up on the clues or red flags or secretive behavior.  I'm being candid here -- the hardest part of this terrible thing has been and will continue to be trusting my own judgment again.  I know all the rational responses you will have to that, but the stark facts are that I ignored some major warning signs.  And hindsight bias is helping me beat myself up for not getting wise much earlier.  All that to say that the quote above helped me forgive myself a little.  I'm not a cheater or a liar, so I just didn't think that way.  The fact that a total stranger said this makes me feel better, because she makes it sound so obvious and true. 

Now I just have to determine if my instincts are right this time.  I worry about that a lot.

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