Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Be Kind, Remind

It's Lent!  And though I wasn't raised in the Catholic tradition so never gave anything up for Lent, I appreciate the discipline and have decided to give up (by which I mean try really hard to stop) thinking negative thoughts about myself.  It's been a tough winter, self-esteem wise, because (as happens every winter) I have no energy to move around, I just want to sleep all the time, and I put on my Mama Bear winter weight.  Added to that this year was the 5-pound weight gain from quitting smoking and the comparisons to my athletic and very healthy boyfriend who likes to go to the gym.  So I think about how heavy I am, how he must hate my body, how he must compare me to other women, etc., when in reality he loves me and was duly warned about the cigarette weight-gain (and was unconcerned) and yells at me when I cover myself up self-consciously.  So, I have to chose to believe him.  I also have to choose to be nice to myself, because all this beating-up hasn't resulted in any changes, just miserable eating!

My struggle is hunger and cravings, plus dating meals.  My resolution will be to try and make good decisions, to try and move around when I want to (which will be more often as it warms up) and to not get hung up on any bad decisions I've already made (even if it was ice cream 20 minutes ago.  For example.  No, I did not eat ice cream at 11 am.) 

And I need some context.  I'm still only up five pounds for all this bad behavior, and I know I can drop that fairly quickly with some stricter behavior.  At the same time, I will be enjoying many delicious meals out with my partner and friends, and I am not going to limit that joy too much.

Isn't it always this same thing?  Why is every female friend of mine trying to lose weight?  I don't know one single lady (and I mean married or single) who is just content with her weight...except maybe this beanpole associate at my office who eats McDonald's and mac & cheese for lunch.  But for all I know, she thinks she's too thin?  So right, ridiculous.  Where are these women who we're trying to look like?  There can't be that many of them, or I'd know one, I think.  Maybe my slightly rolly mid-section is just how it's supposed to be.  And maybe (apparently) that is lovable and sexy and I need to stop suicide bombing my relationship with my issues about it. 

So right, I forgot my lunch today but after comparing nutritional information for two of the meal options that sound best (a Moaz falafel pita and Baja Fresh), I'm going with tacos at Baja.  They are SIGNIFICANTLY healthier, like frighteningly so, and still delish.  I already feel good about this decision!  Plus I'm wearing my favorite cozy sweater today.  I sort of feel like Mokey from Fraggle Rock in it.

My new haircut kind of looks like that, too.

Tonight is Shmannon/Thigh's birthday drinks, and I'll get to hang with Schmillie there, too, then race back to Astoria to pick up the veggies, then home for a reasonable bedtime, thank goodness.  Monday night I didn't sleep well, so last night I konked out but I always need lots o' sleep for maxium functionality.  And I keep dreaming about large houses/dorms/mansions where I'll be staying.  Like in the dream I'm picking out which room -- I've had five of these dreams recently, though the details always change.  WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?  Dream dictionaries haven't been much help, since it's such a specific situation.  Please help me, interfriends.  And sweet dreams.

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