Sedatives, Please

Oyyy I think someone slipped me some caffeine last night.  I couldn't sleep until after 1:00 am, which is way too late for this little princess.  My eyes are tired and sore today, and to top it off, I forgot to bring my eyeliner, so I look rather dead.  Today is going to be rough.  I was just up worrying about the gamut of things I could possibly fret about, and my brain would not slow down.  It's so aggravating.

So today!  I have dodgeball late, at 8:20, so I may be able to get a nap in beforehand.  I'm also tentatively Skyping with Britch, but I can have it all, right?  ANNNDDD in sad news for Britch but happy news for me, she has to come back to the States for awhile until she can get her Visa in order to live in London and get her PhD, so that means she'll be in Ohio at Christmas and I can finally SEE HER.  It's been a year, I think, which is the longest we've ever been apart.  *Sniff*  And I can meet her sexy Scottish boyfriend when he visits for the holidays, too.  Amazing.

My haircut last night was lovely, and on the way to the salon I walked through Madison Square Park to check out the doggies (aw) and then through Eataly, which wasn't so crowded on a Monday evening and was very interesting!  It's a little overwhelming, but not as crazy as I'd pictured from reading about it, and I'm glad I saw the whole Italian market mall in person.  Hike and I were texting, and I mentioned where I was, and he said he was just going to check it out too, on his way to an open house (for an MBA program at Baruch), but he ran out of time.  Otherwise we would've run into each other (or not, as that place is large.)  How romantic comedy that would have been!  We have so much in common. 

Then after a battle with the MTA that resulted in my finally hailing a cab at 63rd and Lex after being underground for almost an hour, I ate dinner, watched HIMYM, then read more of my freelance project.

I was thinking about this as I lay awake for hours last night, and I have such a romantic pattern ingrained in me -- that of pursuit, of always needing more attention/affection, of chasing.  And to be really psychoanalytical about it, I know it can be traced back to my childhood.  I had very loving parents, don't get me wrong, but I had a very busy Dad who had to be away from the house a lot for work all day and then again for meetings after dinner at home with the family.  I never felt unloved, but I definitely felt like he wasn't around and I wanted to see him a lot more.  But then when he was, it was so special and exciting -- and sometimes we'd go roller skating!  So basically I formed this pattern of drought then flood, in terms of love or time spent together, which is one of my main "love languages." 

I'm not trying to be creepy about this, just aware of why my brain both loves and hates unavailable men.  And why I sometimes get cranky about this one that is super-available.  I'm also not complaining -- I feel very lucky to have met Hike and to have his attention so readily.  So now I have to make sure to appreciate what I have and to relax when I feel like we're talking too much and we have nothing to say.

Anyway, those are my deep thoughts for today.  I don't even want to get into my inferiority complex at work, which is another topic that I worked to death in my brain last night.  (Along with panic about the possibility of having a boyfriend, fear that I'm still hung up on Mex, nerves about mixing my two worlds this weekend, etc.)  Maybe some other time -- aren't you excited? 

OH, but I read in an astrology guide that people born on my birthday are destined to be worriers.  So it's not my fault.

If You Believe in Fairies, Then Clap Your Hands

Good morning!  Happy humper day.  I'm in good spirits -- it's a nice, cloudy Fall day, work is going slowly but surely, and I think I'll be able to have a night to myself tonight.  I haven't heard any more from Rockabilly, so I think the date (that was scheduled for tonight) is not happening.  I feel pretty relieved.  My new plan is to hit Rite Aid on the way home for some supplies (I love buying drugstore items), then home to get the hippie re-usable grocery bags, then off to pick up the week's veggie share.  Then it's time to FINALLY watch Sunday's Mad Men!  Though certain things have been spoiled for me by the internets, I still don't know exactly what happens, and I'm pumped.

Things are going well with Hike, and we've been texting.  I'm entering a familiar emotional worrying cycle now, actually.  It has three points, all along a circle:
1.  Get giddy and excited and all day-dreamy about Object Of Affection.
2.  Get concerned that I'm wearing rose-colored glasses and OOA will most likely prove disappointing, probably by disappearing or betraying me.
3.  Realize I'm over analyzing the situation and try to relax and enjoy the ride (literally or not).  Then back to Step 1 and repeat.

Ok, the points are labeled wrong on there and not even legible, but you get what I'm saying.  Am I ever going to outgrow this?  Am I ever going to be able to control my BRAIN?

So dodgeball was frustrating, as usual, with stupid people complaining about the game and other stupid people not following the rules (there is a LINE for a reason--stop hogging all the playing time, dick), but then we went to the bar afterwards for three beers (the third is free) and it was fun to hang out with Schmess, her bf, and the other cute boy on our team.  (The engaged guy wasn't there, which was fine.)  I've always had a small crush on the other cute boy (let's call him Marine), but we have a definite "buddy" relationship.  Then last night Schmess told me she thinks he likes me.  We polled her bf, though, who didn't agree, so that made things less complicated.  Marine wants to hang out with us this weekend, like the group, and I was worried that meant I shouldn't invite Hike, but we determined that it's Marine's responsibility to make some overture to me if he does indeed like me, and otherwise I'm perfectly free to be dating other boys.  So there.

WOW I need to find something else to talk about besides boys.  Is it grating?  Or is this why you love me?

Food today:
B - coffee, honey b's, milk
L - soup probably
D - bbq pulled chicken, english muffin, veg of some sort
S - yogurt or cottage cheese, decaf coffee, Jello-O Mousse Temptations (which are orgasmic)
Exercise - Walking around for errands.  Shut up.



His Eye is on the Spaaaaaa-rooooow

Ho hum, it's a mellow Tuesday afternoon.  Not much to report, but now that I'm Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit of blogging, I wanted to get my daily fix.

In other news, I am quitting smoking, though I don't feel like my motivation is exactly where it should be.  I bummed one cig today, but otherwise it's nic gum for me.  I know intellectually I don't want to smoke, but it just seems like I can (always) wait a little longer to stop.  And it's not even that great, it's just a cruel mistress, that nicotine. 

I'm supposed to have a date with Rockabilly tomorrow after work, but so far I haven't heard from him about specific plans.  I wonder if it'll just go away?  I wouldn't be upset if it did, and I'm waiting to let him make the overture.  It's strange since we only talked for about 10 minutes when we met, and we've had some text conversations, but that's it.  I'm the opposite of invested, so we'll just see if I hear from him.  He's also been OK at keeping in touch, just sort of at the last-minute about things, so that might be what's happening.

OH, let's talk about Sleeve for a second.  After the "things will be different" conversation, then "oops I forgot we made a date again" night that he came over, he ignored my invitation on that Saturday to come out and drink pumpkin beer, so when he texted Sunday to say "sorry, I wasn't looking at my phone last night" I just said "Why am I not surprised."  And that was the last convo!  It was over a week ago now!  I am kind of glad that I don't have to try to stop talking to him again, that it just stopped, but man, I wasn't even that mean so I'm surprised he went away.  I'd certainly been meaner before!  Anyway, I am happy that the caliber of men I'm spending time with/talking to has improved recently.  Aren't you proud of me?

I guess that's it today.  Tonight I have dodgeball at an early enough time that I think we'll be able to hang out and have some beers afterwards, so that should be fun.  I can see my engaged boyfriend and the military man I have a crush on, and that's always nice.  And I know I'm not writing down my food today, but once again I don't know what I'm having for dinner -- probably a salad from the deli before the afternoon is over so I can be tided until the beer drinking starts.  It's not ideal.

Oh that reminds me--for dinner last night, I ate the other half of a cheeseburger and fries from my dinner on Sunday night (that made me sick), and it hurt my tummy again!  It wasn't quite as bad, but I don't know if I need to avoid the red meat or the cheddar or the fries.  I think I can have limited fried things without problems (I had fries last Wednesday on the date, even), so maybe I can't eat meat?  Or was this burger particularly dangerous?  The hurting started like before I even finished eating, so it's clearly an immediate reaction.  I hope I don't have to go back to the doctor.

When It Rains, It Pours...and It's Raining Men

How many more cliches would fit there?  Come on, contribute, dear readers!

Let's catch up.  Well, Friday night I went home to relax after a busy-ish week, so that was uneventful, though there was delicious Indian food involved. Oh, but a guy who I wasn't so into on OK Cupid sent me a second message, and since I was catching up on my emailing there, I decided to give it a shot.  He had asked me to text him, and he wanted to get a drink that night but I said I was staying in, and so we made brunch plans. I liked the idea because it was less sexy than evening plans and I like brunch. So Saturday I met him for a nice outdoor brunch at Brick Cafe, and he was sweet but I wasn't feeling it, especially physically. He didn't really have a chin (or shoulders to speak of), he was only a little taller than me, he left his cloth napkin on the table the entire time, he asked me if the "Proscuitto and Buffalo Mozzerella Panini" meant there was chicken in it (because of the word buffalo), etc.  He also was very gung-ho about us going out again, and a bit touchy, and I let him kiss me goodbye with his mushy lips. He was going to visit his mom in NJ to pick pumpkins for the weekend so said he'd text me when he got back yesterday. But then he texted me Saturday afternoon about how much he liked me, and how I was easy to talk to, laugh with, and cute!  Nice but sad when you don't like the guy, right?  I was considering a second date just to make sure, but now I'm not.  Plus, he didn't text me last night so that's good!  It's uncomfortable turning men down.  I still have this nagging feeling like I should be grateful for their interest, you know?  Oh, the perils of being a teen with low self-esteem.

Saturday afternoon I napped for HOURS and it was great, then met up with Schmess for seasonal beers and dinner at Sweet Afton, then we went to Blackbird's for more beers and wings (what?) and it was a fun night but nothing crazy. I made the adult decision to go home from McCaffrey's (our last stop, hi Al) when she did, as opposed to trying to play pool all night. I was proud of myself. Sunday I was on a Mad Men mission, as we have a Time Warner appt on Thursday and they may have to take our cable box, which means the DVR would be gone. I watched nearly all of season 3 and most of what's aired of season 4. Ohhh yeah. Oh, and I'd heard from another OK Cupid guy, let's call him Mars, and he had to work Monday but wanted to get a drink after.

So Monday I e-mail Mars my phone number, so he texts and we make plans. He's living in College Point, Queens for the time being (rent-free at a friend's) but has lived in Astoria and will come back around Christmastime.  He parks his car at the 36th Ave stop (my stop!) for work commuting. Anyway, we made plans to meet over at Mad Donkey on 36th Ave. Then I got a mani/pedi/wax, baked chocolate zucchini bread to bring into work today, then got ready for my date. He is super cute (to me) -- tall, bearded, blue eyes, slight tummy, jeans, plaid shirt. He seems quieter and a bit more acerbic than I might like, but we'll see, as it could have been first-date nerves. We had a similar sense of humor and had lots of pop culture stuff in common. He was very gentlemanly with buying the beers and the appetizers, and we just slowly had two beers with food and left around 8:30. He asked if we should head out to try and beat the rain, but it had already started when we walked out, so he said "maybe in the deli..." and walked away only to come back with an umbrella. He was going to walk me home but we realized his car was parked on our way, so we go to the car and he drove me the rest of the blocks.  I picked Britney Spears off of his iPod, then he played me Brooks & Dunn while saying he hates country, and he kissed me outside my apartment in the car. I'm the one that broke the kiss because it was GOOD and I needed it to be chaster for now. :) Also he had just been teasing me and I had something to say in return. Anyway, I'd say I 65-70% like him, and I'd definitely go out with him again, but no plans were discussed. SO CUTE THOUGH.

Tonight is dodgeball at mothereffing 9:15 pm, and tomorrow is my Avett Brothers concert at Radio City.  Rockabilly told me yesterday he doesn't think it's his style of music, but he wants to go out next week (as he's out of town this weekend.)  Did I mention he's a vegan who doesn't want children?  I already told him I wouldn't marry him, so at least that's out of the way.  We're doing drinks/dinner on Wednesday, but that meant I needed a date for the show.  I actually texted Lars (to thank him for a good time, ostensibly) and he was reasonably chatty so I invited him, but he looked them up and ALSO didn't think it was his thing (wtf, guys?) so I asked this other OKC guy I'm chatting with, Hike.  Hike's now my date, and we're having dinner beforehand.  It's not an ideal first date but whatever, I'm achieving goals.

And for those keeping score, that's:
3.5 dates in one week (if we're counting Wednesday - Wednesday)
3 kisses (so far), 1 good one
0 slutty mistakes

I think it's a good scoreboard.  Obviously I don't want to keep up this pace for very long, but it's fun, and it makes me not worry so much about Lars REJECTING ME for the concert but then being vaguely flirty in the texting.  (He said he should also do laundry on Wednesday.  I said "Oh how sweet, I come second to laundry."  We tease like that.  He responded "Hmm, do you not want me smelling clean?"  That sort of implies I'd be smelling him later, right?) 

Well anyway, this is the news.  I'm sort of sleepy thinking about it all.  How soon can I retire?

Fishing in the Wrong Pond

Friends! Romans! Countrymen!

I've been avoiding you, I'm sorry.  I haven't been ready for the necessary amount of reflection to post here, which is silly, but my brain wants to be a hermit sometimes lately.  I think I've been a little sad and lonely and lethargic, and I was having some strange stomach pains that were helping me feel like DYING, but I think they've gotten better.  I probably can't allow myself as much cheating on how I should be eating with Crohn's.  Suck.

So the weekend.  Friday I was home from work with a weird side pain that had gotten worse since Wednesday.  But Thursday night it had gotten really steady and dull (as opposed to just sharp when I coughed/laughed/laid on it) and I also had a near-pass out at home.  I'm glad the roomie was there, as I sort of zombie walked into the living room, feeling like I was about to lose it (with the ringing ears, sweats, nausea symptoms) and she freaked out about what color I was and ended her phone convo to get me water and watch me try to stay conscious for a bit.  It went away after about 15 minutes, but she put me in bed and took my temperature and it was very nice to have a nurse.  And she actually called a nurse friend of hers to explain my pain and that reaction and see if we should go to the ER...but the nurse said if I didn't have a fever, I could probably wait until the morning.  So I saw the doc Friday morning, and she sort of laughed at me for thinking I might have a hernia (I don't know) and also didn't explain the fainting, but said to eat a bland diet and rest.  So after the doctor, I did some work from home while propped on pillows on my bed, then made two different zucchini soups (well, a lentil soup recipe from Schmillie with bonus zuc) and a chocolate zucchini bread. It was fun and productive but it took all afternoon. At night I was pretty exhuasted, so in lieu of meeting Schmess and her sister for dinner, I watched Mad Men and then went to bed.

Saturday I felt pretty normal so I took advantage of the weather and weeded out our front garden plot. It looks great, and I think my favorite part is trimming hedges. Then I got cleaned up (and trimmed my own hedges, heh) and went over to Schmeather's to meet she and Shmannon for some hanging out/beer/falafel pitas, then we went out to Sunswick (where I had two pumpkin beers that were 9% abv...you know where this is going) and then Mad Donkey (another Astoria bar), and then I decided to head into the city to go to a friend's 40th bday party (my old friend from dodgeball...that i hooked up with years ago) and so I saw some of the old crew there, and we played pool (it was at Amsterdam Billiards) and it was nice. Roomie was there with a friend, but I was mingling so I didn't get over-roomied. I also met this rockabilly-type guy and asked him to be my date for the Avett Bros concert next week -- what? Now I'm not sure if I really want him to, but I have his number and we texted a little that night. Anyway, I left the party and was trying to meet back up with Schmannon and Schmeather, but Schmeath had picked up an Austrian and Schmannon had picked up a guy she hooked up with last week, and then Al texted me and wanted to play pool, so I went to meet Al and play pool. It was fun, but man, guys are disgusting. Not Al, but all other men, really. My cabdriver (who was just nice and not sexual) asked me on a date before dropping me off (I SAID NO) and then the other guys at the dive bar just felt it was OK to make creepy comments to me, so that's awesome. Al kept saying to tell him if someone was causing a problem, but it's not like I actually wanted anyone to fight, I was just getting annoyed at men in general. I know, not fair, but it was a bad run of creepers. Anyway, pool, Al being mushy and in love with me, a bit of bar cuddling/kissing, then he we walked me home and made me have a relationship conversation (it's so weird being on the other end of this) where I said as little as possible but apologized for hurting his feelings. Though now I remember he was also being very sexually complimentary and I won't disturb you with what he said, but lord, I feel weird having my vagina complimented in a bar.  AMIRIGHT?  And then bed at 4 am.


Sunday I was hungover and watched more Mad Men and Kick-Ass in bed and ordered Chinese and that's about it. At least I felt productive up until then, but I no longer wish to deal with hangovers in any other way but total laziness. Schmannon and Schmeather were back out and wanted me to come, but I couldn't imagine. Also I was super sore from weeding, so that's it.
 
And then Monday brought a rainy cold day and another tummy ache, so it was home after work and right into pj's and a Veronica Mars marathon.  Last night I had dodgeball, which was frustrating, as half of my team doesn't try very hard and no one wanted to go out afterwards.  Actually, that part was OK, as I was home and am not hungover today, just sleepy from staying up too late on the phone.  But my team is annoying, except for the three friends (two from kickball), and two of them were out of town and the third, engaged friend's FIANCE was there.  Lameballs.
 
So today my spirits are up but my eyelids are droopy, and so let's hope it goes quickly at work.  Let's also try to figure out what I need to change so that I don't want to run away to a farm somewhere. 

It's a Wrap-Up

Hmm, this is becoming more of a weekly thing, and I don't like that. 

Let's talk about last weekend!  Well, it was mostly uneventful.  I had a very aggravating day at work on Friday as I was trying to teach work stuff to the new receptionist and it wasn't going well.  I usually consider myself a clear communicator, but I guess I have expectations of general intelligence that are off-base in this case.  At least write down what I'm saying so you don't have to ask me 10 times, amiright?  Anyway, Schmillie thankfully talked me into getting a drink after work, which turned into like six drinks and I took a cab home after midnight.  Or rather, to McCafferty's in Astoria to meet Schmannon, her date Flick, and that guy I'd taken home two weeks ago, Pal.  I mean, he works there, so he was there.  She'd warned me before I arrived that he had talked to her about me, and how he didn't think I liked him very much.  Aww, but true.  Anyway, I was way too drunk, so I got sick on the sidewalk around the corner (I know.  I'm 17.) and then got gum, then went inside to see the gang and drink water.  It was nice and chill, but unnecessary probably.  More on this in a minute.  Oh, and Pal was very attentive and nice, so it wasn't awkward (I don't think), but I felt a little bad.  I don't mean to be a jerk, but he was sort of puppy-ish about me, like keeping an eye on me and touching me unnecessarily and bringing me a chair and stuff.  He texted me after I got home (um, at 4 am) to say it was good to see me, and I said likewise.  I mean, he's a nice guy, so we can be friends.

Anyway, that meant Saturday was a bust -- or should I say, a nice lazy day of Mad Men and delivery greasy food and catching up on DVR.  (I'm overwhelmed by my DVR right now.  So many shows.)  Sunday was similar, but I did get out to run some errands and get a mani/pedi/back massage AND I finally decided to go back to eyebrow waxing.  I'd decided like six years ago that I'd just tweeze and it'd be cheaper, but I think that was before I realized how cheap it was in NYC and also before I realized I can't get them even on my own.  So I've turned over the eyebrow reigns, and it feels GOOD.  They're a little thinner than I had them, but I think it looks OK.  She chastised me for tweezing too much in the middle -- I guess you're only supposed to have a two-finger width there and I have three.  But I also have bald patches in my brows, so I'm going to try to let the middle grow but it may look insane.  Fun!  Oops, I digress...

Sunday night I set up my OKCupid profile so I can begin internet dating again.  I'm e-mailing a couple of boys now, and I'm still pretty hopeful about the thing.  I'm mostly reaching out to guys in Astoria, too, unless I see someone I really like in Manhattan.  I probably will expand, but I'm just starting with my neighbors -- I really like dating someone close by.  I'm eager for the actual dating to start, but I have to be patient.

And last night was our first dodgeball game of the season.  It was really fun!  Well, I got a little frustrated at some of my teammates, mostly the ditziest of girls who sassed me when I tried to help her understand the gd rules...but we know I can be competitive.  Then the after-game drinking at the bar was awesome.  It's at The Irish Rover, which is kind of far from me, Astoria-wise, but they give you your third drink as a buyback, and everybody in the league is really friendly and social.  I like a few of my teammates a lot, too, and I made best friends with a guy Snick who I'd met once before a couple weeks ago but who I talked to the most last night.  I would think we had something going on except that he's ENGAGED.  It's a bit confusing as to why he'd be so friendly, but I'm not going to worry about it.  He bought all my beers and insisted on walking me home at 1 in the morning, as he and I were the last ones to stay from our team, and we ended up hanging out and doing whiskey shots with the yellow team.  (Their toast before drinking?  "Yellow snow.")  Oh, and our team is blue -- actually baby blue.  And named Shaved by the Ball.  Anyway, Snick didn't do anything inappropriate but is vaguely flirtatious and very nice.  I made a point to talk to him about the boys I was checking out at the bar though, to be very clear on the friendship line.

Oh, so yes, there are a few cute options in my league, and two of them approached me last night, so the seeds have been planted.  We'll see.  There's also a few flirtatious boys who are not so cute, but it's still fun.  I think this league is all about flirting, really.  And balls.

Right, I was going to talk about my drinking problem.  Mainly the problem is that once I get going, I'm not good at stopping -- I so don't care that it's late or that I'll be hungover, I just want to stay out, have fun, and not miss anything.  But then the next day I feel miserable and a bit depressed at my worthlessness.  I realize this behavior is silly and a bit harmful, so I need to try to be more disciplined even through my 3-drink haze.  I don't know how to accomplish this yet, but the first step is recognition, right?

And Sleeve is still texting me.  Last Wednesday after a bottle of wine, I'd said something to him about how he wasn't going to say goodbye, just go silent, and he said I was the one walking away.  Which is not true, and what?  Crazy.  So I clarified and then it was quiet again until Saturday, when I got a "What's up babe?" text, and I ignored it.  Then I got another one last night and he asked if he was on the ignore list, so I said no, I tried to talk about what I want and you weren't having it, and he said he was having it, so I said well, do something about it.  And he made a sexual comment and I Shut.It.Down.  I told him no sexting.  Obviously I shouldn't talk to him at all, but I miss the communication, so whatever.  I also like speaking so plainly about how this is his fault.  I don't know, I'm back to finding it vaguely entertaining.

So that's the haps!  Tonight is book club for The Help, which should be a good one, AND we're meeting at this rooftop bar near my office that I've been wanting to try forever, so I'm pumped.  Also really tired, as I went to sleep at 2 am, but I'll make it and then go to bed early tonight.