If all the ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a wonderful Christmas it would be.

Happy Friday!  And for those of you who still work in publishing, happy first full-length Friday since Memorial Day!  I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm still Snuffleupagus and even Sneezier today...I'm their love child.

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But screw going home and going to bed after work!  I'm SICK OF IT, and also, bored.  Tonight I'm going to Schmillie's for Mending Night, which is a replacement for Henna Night, ever since some wackadoo told Schmillie that henna is bad for your hair.  (Impossible, I say.)  But it's really just an excuse to eat lots of food, drink lots of wine, wear comfy pants and maybe try on swimsuits.  I think Mending Night will probably involve less hanging out in the bathtub, but what do I know?  That's also the smoking room, if I remember correctly.  Oh, and Schmillie has a sewing machine, so we'll be mending some random summer frocks that I bought discounted and proceeded to rip/break pretty quickly.  Maybe one will become a skirt or something, too.  It should be entertaining, and I can't wait.

I was reflecting last night about what I said at the beginning of the summer -- that the summer would be for FUN and then in the fall, I'd more seriously consider online dating, since I do want to find someone.  And let's be honest, most of the people I meet are at bars and not really the type to stick around, you know?  The summer hasn't been quite as "fun" in the making out sense as I'd like, but I think I made some real progress as far as identifying what I'm looking for in a relationship and also, meeting some men who have some of those characteristics.  They do exist.  Now I just need to find the whole package (that's what she said.)  And I also am much less interested in killing time with men I'm not that interested in -- and that's a big step for me, too.  So it was a good summer.  And it's time to start dating, I think.

I know the main reason I'm procrastinating putting up an online profile is because I really don't like most of the pictures of myself that exist.  I'm not trying to be the "Oh I'm so ugleeee" girl, because I think I'm at worst, interesting looking, and sometimes even pretty.  But I don't think I'm photogenic.  Photos tend to illuminate how asymmetrical my face is, and I usually think I look like a stroke victim or the Elephant Man's third cousin. 

Ok, so maybe not that bad, but I'm lopsided.  Anyway, I thought of a solution to this problem of choosing flattering pictures of myself for my online dating profile.  I will post the best of the options to an album on Snapfish, and then, if any of you, dear readers, would like to vote on your favorites, please let me know in the comments section or via personal e-mail.  I will send you the link to the album and you can then tell me which you like best by listing the photo number.  (Note this is only open to readers that I know personally...but I think that is most of you.)  It'll take me a week or so to get organized, but if you're interested in helping me by voting, you can let me know anytime!  YOUR VOTE COUNTS. 

Happy weekend!

Labor Day-atory

Happy autumn breezes, friends!  Let's catch up.

My long weekend was pretty quiet but nice. Friday and Saturday were full of movies/errands/getting stuff done at home.  I started Mad Men last week and am now through the first two disks of Season 1, and I think I'm sucked in.  I'm not a fanatic yet, but I'm enjoying it.  I also watched Valentine's Day, which...don't.  It's a waste of time, EVEN THOUGH I love the Kutch.  Saturday night I had a few beers at home (I had four in the fridge) and was texting that Steve guy, and then he called we talked on the phone from 1:30 - 4 am. Hi, high school. It was nice and I sort of liked him after that, and we were silly but also talked about serious stuff and he made a point to say that he was going to be honest with me and wasn't going to play me, as he knows I went through some really bad stuff recently and he doesn't want me to ever have to think about that with him, or worry about texting if I haven't heard from him (as in, "I always want to hear from you so don't be shy if you want to talk.") He tells me often that I'm cute, hot, sexy, whatever. I appreciated a lot of what he said and that he is so direct with that kind of conversation, but he seemed ahead of where I was in this thing (and asked me questions that started with "so if i were your boyfriend...") so whatever. I wanted to just hook up with him at that point, honestly (DRY SPELL), but he had to get up at 8 am to take a bus to NJ to see his mom who had surgery recently, so we made a plan that he'd come right to my place on Sunday night when he got back, and we'd go to my neighbor's BBQ (aka his childhood friend) and hang out. It was discussed endlessly. Anyway, I haven't heard from him since. Excellent. I texted on Sunday night to ask if we were still going to get together, and no response at all. I'm just sort of bemused -- like what was the point of declaring all those things if you are then going to space out? It doesn't make sense, but as I'm not really emotionally invested, it's just odd and makes me curious. Whatever, boys.

Sunday was fun, though. I went to Park Slope for a bison burger BBQ in the afternoon, which was yummy and relaxing and very filling.  By like 6 pm, we were all full and tired and so I went home to nap and then did go to my neighbor's for a few hours. The husband told me I was hot again, thankyouverymuch, but the wife also separately told me she loves me, so they're really I love you drunks.

On Monday I met up with Shmannon and Co. to walk the 30th Avenue street fair in Astoria, which was hot and sort of awful, but it was good to see them, then they were all heading to the old beer garden and i wasn't feeling so great so came back and got into bed. And thus began the cold that I still am sniffling through.

Tuesday I came to work in the morning but went home quickly thereafter, as the cold had resided in my brain and I was really foggy and disoriented and feverish, so I went back to bed.  By yesterday my brain had cleared and now I just have a runny nose and cough and stuff, but at least I'm capable of doing my job. Though I don't want to right now, as the bastards all went to lunch WITHOUT INVITING ME.  I'm here all by my lonesome...and I thought we'd passed this hurdle.  Lame.

Last night I made soup in an attempt to use up some of the veggies, especially squash, that are taking over our kitchen.  I'm having it for lunch today, but I tasted it last night and I think it's decent.  I'm going to call it Farmer's Kitchen Sink, I think.  It's got carrots, beets, celery, swiss chard (stems and leaves), zucchini, onions, corn, chicken sausage, chicken broth, and oregano, salt and pepper.  Maybe it'll help my cold, too.

Well, that's about it -- it's been a quiet week with lots of time spent in bed watching Veronica Mars.  I need a new crush as I'm kind of bored in the boy department right now.  (Yes, these things change so quickly.)  Or perhaps I don't...I had about five minutes where I was happy with my current singleness, so perhaps I should nurture that.  TBD.

The Doldrums

So I actually have time to say hello WHILE I'M AT WORK, but sadly, not a ton to say.  This week has been very quiet and a bit lonely but not in a terrible way.  Schmate was telling me recently that she gets bored if she's alone for any significant period of time, and I realized being home alone with no possibility of the roommate returning soon is very different than stolen alone time with the threat of a roommate at any minute.  I'm getting a little bored, if we're being honest here.  But I managed to wrestle up (that's not spelled right, iis it?  What's that expression?) Sunday and Monday plans that I'm very much looking forward to, and who knows what'll come up between now and then?  If nothing else, I can ride out the storm (which is probably not going to be very exciting) with movies in my bed, which is a very pleasurable thing.

I kept up the icy treatment of Smee for about a day and a half, and honestly, if you know me at all, you know it was more like a cooling fan treatment than icy.  We're not back to after-work communication or anything, but I sort of understand his reaction and am pretty much fine with it.  It's really odd, but I feel like we sort of have an understanding even though we haven't talked about it...which may be all in my head, but I just know he's very career-oriented and sensitive to the rules and he likes me but can't really do anything about it.  I think that's the case, anyway.  We'll see, but I'm not really worried about it.  He came by just now to say goodbye, since he's leaving a bit early today, and we talked about our weekend plans again, and I was saying that the bar crawl I'm crashing on Monday (well, Schmannon invited me) is in Astoria, and should be fun.  He said that he's still never been to Astoria, and I said you should visit sometime, it's nice, and he kind of moved on, but these are situations where I'd want to invite him but I feel like I shouldn't.  I feel like he's sort of hinting, too, but that might be in my head.  I guess being patient has paid off thus far, so I should continue, RIGHT?  (I think this whole paragraph is really manic, actually, now that I re-read it.  Whatever, welcome to my brain.)

OH, and yesterday when I was leaving, we talked for awhile while I stood in his door, and he mentioned that after his mom died, no one was home to know if he got detention at school (the conversation was about detention initially), and I said I didn't know his mom had died, AND OMG, he told me that his mom and younger sister were killed in a car crash when he was 15, his grandma was severely injured and spent months in the hospital, and he walked away with some cuts but that's it.  They were all in the car.  It's SO SAD.  And then his dad died in the early 2000s from a broken heart and drinking himself to death.  Good Lord.  And he was totally fine telling me this but I was starting to get emotional (no tears though), and he's all "I'm sorry, I thought you knew" and I was like "Don't be sorry!  But God!"  He talked about how he feels like he dealt with it pretty well and he knows it's cliche, but it's made him stronger, etc.  I was just totally impressed with the contrast to Mex, honestly.  I gave Mex a whole lot of leeway because I figured his parents' divorce when he was young had screwed him up pretty well, but look at how Smee came through something even more traumatic (though I know that's a relative scale) and put effort in to overcome it and deal with the issues around it.  I'm simplifying the issue, but basically I admire his attitude towards it and it made me even more aware of what sort of man I want in my life. 

And scene.  I'm about to bounce, but I wish you all a very wonderful long weekend!  I should have some stories next week if all goes as I expect...

Boyzzz Update

I find it odd that just as I'm writing my blog last night about the stupid men in my orbit, who should start drunkenly texting me (at like 8 pm) but Mex?  Of course, now that I've stopped thinking about him much at all, he appears to say "I wish it were different; this world is stupid.  Or, silly at least."  Yes, that is what he said.  It sort of freaked me out with the vague darkness, so I responded "What's going on?" and it went from there, as he was drunk and saying odd vague things, as he likes to do, and I get frustrated trying to figure out the point.  I finally asked what he wanted, to which he responded "nothing good" and COME ON BUDDY, HAVE A CONVERSATION LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE.  Whatever, it's not throwing me off like it has in the past.  He did ask if I wanted to meet up and play pool, and he said he missed me a lot, and I said that I didn't want to see him.  So that was good, on my part, at least.  And I know I'm supposed to not care at all, but I feel a bit vindicated that he misses me.  I hope it hurts forever, buddy.  And I don't miss him, which is nice.  I miss having someone, but certainly not someone like that.  But still, I wish he'd just grow up and change his life if he hates it so much.  I believe the phrase "living in a nightmare" was used.  Hi, you have control of that.  Loser.

So yeah, unfortunately I've thought about him more today as a result of it.  Nothing really concrete, he's just popped into my head.  I don't want him back, but I wish he weren't so gross, and I still wonder how he went so wrong.  But it's a detached feeling, too, and that's good.  I just want to get back to forgetting about him entirely.

And I talked to my other female work friend today about the Smee Frisbeegate.  She's a very calm, sort of the opposite of boy-crazy person, and she just laughed at his lack of suaveness and reminded me of how paranoid he is about inappropriateness at work.  She's said he probably left the Frisbee then went back to his desk and started panicking and debating if he should go back and get it before I saw it...which I can see.  So he'd worked himself into a lather by the time I stopped by.  She also said that some of the partners may frown upon a special relationship of that sort, and that's probably his concern...and he's also worked up because he knows he has feelings.  Anyway, she also made me feel not insane, and we laughed at his paranoia.  I'm still keeping my distance, OH and she advised to let him make any first moves that may occur, as he'll need to or else be totally freaked out.  Which is fine with me -- I'm not about to proposition him.  And I also am determined to be less aggressive in my future male relationships.  It makes me self-conscious and I don't want to have to be, even though waiting for men makes me very impatient.  Stupid men, why do I love you so much?

And...tonight's veggie share also had PEACHES AND PLUMS.  God, I want to marry summer stone fruit.  Or maybe I should name my first daughter Summer Stone Fruit?

Boyz in the Hood

So a few updates on the men in my life…ha.  Maybe then men in my peripheral vision is a better way of putting that…?

I texted with Sleeve a bit on Friday night, while drinking Nancies and feeling saucy.  He was flirty, calling me “f*cking cute” and telling me he thinks about me constantly, which is laying it on a bit thick…  but it’s nice to hear/read.  But nothing since then, so I wonder if it’s tapered off.  It’s amusing for what it is, but that’s not much.  And because I have such faith in men lately, I sort of wonder if he’s got a girlfriend.  I know the night I met him, his friends were teasing him about some girl, but it seemed like it was an ex.  Still, in hindsight, I don’t really know.  I won’t be too upset if he disappears, as I’m not too into him anyway, but I will miss someone sending me sweet nothings.

AND THEN, so Smee and I have this flirty friendly thing going, but as I’ve said all along, it’s never clearly crossed the friendship line which made it safe and still fun.  I mean, you know I’m mostly into him, but I also have my hesitations and it was again nice to not have anything to decide or figure out, just enjoy.  Especially as just this past weekend I was talking about how it had cooled off a bit recently…which was fine.  

ANYWAY, yesterday was the usual, some convos, he comes by to ask me how Boston was, I yammered to him about something later, he comes to get me to eat lunch with them in the conference room (because the guys all go buy something, and I pack, so when they get back he comes to tell me they’re back so I can come eat with them), etc.  At lunch he was telling me how some guy who was in the office on Friday afternoon (who used to rent space there and was clearing some stuff out) had given Smee a Frisbee from the second Charlie’s Angels movie…to which I reply “Full Throttle?” and then smacked my forehead.  We laughed about how I actually know the name of it, even though I never saw it.  And then the conversation moves on.

I go to the bank in the afternoon, as usual, and when I’m back, the Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle Frisbee is on my desk.  It was cute, and timely, as I had just seen a homeless guy covered in his own puke on the sidewalk and could use something funny.  So I go to his doorway (where I often stand when we chat as I pass by), and smile knowingly, and he smiles, and it’s cute, and then his expression changes and he says “Oh, but it doesn’t mean anything…” and I was confused and said “What?!” and he was sort of stumbling over his words (and I’m sure my very expressive face looked sort of horrified) and he said, “Well, I just value our friendship so I wouldn’t…” and I was like “WHAT?!” and then he said nevermind, and I gave him a look like he was crazy, and then I said “I thought it was nice…and I needed that after [homeless guy puke story].”  I was trying to change the subject as quickly as possible…and he was bright red.  That was it, the conversation trailed off, I walked away, but as I was turning, said “Oh, and I don’t know what you’re talking about,” and then gave a flirty smile over my shoulder.  UM, WHAT?  I know my reaction was weird, but it was even weirder that he said that AFTER GIVING ME A FRISBEE.  I mean, come on!  Oh, and then he needed my help with the postage meter about 20 minutes later, and we awkwardly pretended nothing had happened.

I initially felt rejected and angry, because how/why could he give me a “let her down easy” speech after putting a damn Frisbee on my desk?  Did he think I was somehow being inappropriate?  Did I misread the situation?  But I didn’t even do anything yesterday!  I did send him a link to Lazy Sunday as he had never seen it, but that’s not exactly a proposition.  I was very sure we were both on the same page, and frankly, I still am.  So my poor friends had to let me work through this verbally last night when we went to the (hot, fun) Yankee game (thanks guys!), and their opinions were varied, but basically they thought he was freaked out and I should just act normal and NOT try to clear the air (because you know I want that), but they’re right.  I also wondered later on if perhaps he was so freaked out himself that he sort of went to the opposite, defensive place, and maybe it wasn’t as negative about me as it seemed.  I realize I sound like I’m rationalizing, but it doesn’t make sense, especially after today.  I was pretty cold towards him, just skipping any social interaction and when he got me for lunch (like normal) I just said “Oh, ok!” and didn’t smile or anything.  Yes, that sounds like things boys don’t notice, but he noticed.  At lunch I sat far away from him (as opposed to across, like I usually do) and he watched me all lunch.  Normally he does that and we make lots of eye contact with special smiles, but today that only happened once because I accidentally looked at him and he beamed at me.  I told my paralegal friend there about it, and she thought he was acting like he felt like a dick, and he kept wanting my attention and would look to see if I was watching while telling any story or whatever.  Yes, she may just be being a good girlfriend, but I know he was watching me.  I’m not crazy, internet!

Basically it was a totally strange way to bring up the topic, but at least he’s the one that brought it up and I can play it cool right now.  I’m still not sure what it means about what he’s thinking, but it’s not really my problem, I guess.  It seems he’s not sure what he’s thinking, either, but I’m going to (for once in my life) sit back and not worry about the implications of it all.  I guess my worst-case scenario was that he thought I was in puppy love with him and he needed to give me a talking-to, but I really don’t think that’s the case.  My job is to look HOTT at work and see what/if anything happens.

Boss-STONE

Hello lovers.  What a weekend!  Boston was just amazing, and very tempting at that.  As in, it tempts me to live there.

Friday I left work at 11 to meet Schmate to catch the 42^nd Street Crosstown bus, then into the bowels of the Port Authority to find Schmillie and catch our noon Peter Pan to Bean Town.  The bus ride was uneventful, minus some amusing accidental racist crossword puzzle answers, a long discussion of whether the name Kerry is pronounced differently than Carrie (apparently I’m the only one who thinks they’re the same), and an a scare at the Roy Rogers/Mobil stop where we thought we were getting left behind.  Then smoothly into Boston, where Schmauren picked us up at South Station and we went back to her roomy and lovely abode for a delicious spread of cheese, bread, dippy things, grapes, etc.  Yum.  After some relaxing and enjoying my first pumpkin ale of the season, we headed out in Cambridge to Shay’s Pub.  We scored a nice-sized table on the patio and proceeded to drink our faces off.  I was sampling a local New England brew called Narragansett, which I quickly dubbed “Nancy,” and began asking the curt waitress for “Another Nancy, please!”  Oh, I am all class.  Schmillie’s college gay was there, and Schmauren had a friend meet up, and then one of my softball friends came out as he was in town for a softball game.  It was a grand old time.

Mind, I was protesting loudly before my softball friend Spike showed up, insisting there was no romantic interest there.  My friends were skeptical of that, as they should be whenever I have a male friend, but he’s got quite his own drama after getting married, having an affair that was discovered, and now being divorced and dating the girl he cheated on his wife with.  (We were softball friends so I didn’t feel the need to break up our buddy-ship based on this.)  Also, I don’t find him attractive.  Of course, he proceeds to text me after we girls returned to Schmauren’s that he wanted to ask me back to his hotel room…  Nice.  I ignored it, but WHAT IS WITH these married men?  Or married/divorced with girlfriend men?  I’m trying not to be pessimistic about the whole gender, but REALLY?!

Anyway, after the lovely night out, we stop in the big grocery store Shaw’s to stock up on late-night snax, and in addition to two frozen pizzas, grab a very large bag of peanut butter M&M’s.  That bag was like the fifth Muncher this weekend, I tell you what.  Also, I may have been overly friendly with the cashier and freaked her out, but whatever, I like to relate.  I’m a people person, especially when I’m drunk.  So snax, silliness, then bedtime.

Saturday we woke up to a gorgeous day and yummy bagels that Schmate and Lauren went out to get.  Then we all four set off to rent very affordable bikes, and off we rode!  We probably rode around 15 miles (would you say?), and all over the town.  It was a great tour, especially of Schmate’s alma mater and the other college campuses in the area, and so relaxing to see the river and ride on some of the side streets with big old houses.  We eventually stopped for a late lunch of Mexican joy, then home for rest and shower time.  At night we sat on the back deck of Deep Ellum with Schmauren’s like-minded, beer-loving friends, and enjoyed the dusk and the company.  I also enjoyed the chicken & apple wurst, with sweet potatoes and beets!  It was almost my perfect combination.

We were all tired early, so took a cab home around 10 to snuggle into pj’s, pass the pb M&M’s, and watch another round of Aziz Ansari’s stand up.  (“Raaaaaaandy!”) 

Sunday it was up bright and early for Mama Schmauren to drop us off at South Station and get on our 10 am bus.  The ride was as quick as it could be, and I do love being back in time to have Sunday evening to decompress.  I caught up on my Netflix (Mad Men and Cougartown!), ordered Chinese, and got mentally ready for another work week.  All in all, I loved getting back up to Boston, and this time with my dearest friends to make some new memories (to replace the ones from last time, when I went with Mex.)  It’s such an approachable city, full of cute boys and smaht kids.  I would really like to live there someday, though I don’t think that day will be too soon.  I’m not quite ready, but it’s nice to think about.  And a big thanks to Schmauren for being an impeccable and generous hostess!  You know how to treat us right.

We are Experiencing Some Technical Difficulties

Unfortunately my internet at home is still wonky, even after Time Warner replaced the modem last Monday.  (I hate Time Warner with all of my heart.)  So last night I composed two long posts and was hoping to AT LEAST be able to e-mail them to myself, but alas, it wasn't meant to be.  If I can't post them tonight, I will put them on a flash drive, bring to work, and post for your reading pleasure tomorrow.  I apologize for the delay!

Here's what you have to look forward to:

• The Boston Recap, which will answer such questions as Did I get intimate with a new friend named Nancy?  Did I drive a grocery store cashier to suicide?  Are peanut butter M&M's truly my #1 M&M?  Do I still live in New York?  Do married men still find me attactive?  What's my ideal bratwurst plate?  And more...  (Please also check out Schmauren's recap for some important details.)
• The Smee Update, with new and improved cringe-inducing awkwardness, all brought on by a Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle Frisbee.

Note this is also what the Munchers looked like while bike riding on Saturday...just add one more tough lady.