I'm Ba-aaaack

Hello again, hello.  (Just called to say hello.)

Firstly, a brief explanation.  I was blindsided last week by news that Mex had cheated on me.  There was another person when we were breaking up, through the breakup period, then it lasted longer than it should when we were getting back together.  And he saw her about a month ago to tell her he was done with her (why in person? why?) and they got drunk and she brought him upstairs again.  I only found out because turns out she got ectopically pregnant and he, of course, had to face up to his actions and realize what he'd done.  So here we are.  It's extremely difficult and confusing and hurtful and I sort of want to become addicted to drugs to escape, and every day I feel different things.  I'm still talking to him, partially to get information (I ask a lot of questions about what happened) and to make sure her non-baby goes away as it's supposed to.  (There is a doctor's appointment today.)  I am also having a hard time not talking to him, as I want to know why he did this and how he could.  (In my head it's like he split into two different people--the one that made me very happy and then this evil maniac.)  He's still working out why he did it, as he was in some serious denial/depravity, but he's seemingly hit rock bottom with his drinking and now says he's interested in getting some therapy help and making a change.  That said, I'm not holding my breath.  Also, I hate him a lot and can't imagine trusting him, but I also still love him some, too.  That's what's so strange.  But it's not as if I have to decide anything right now (as far as whether I am going to try to trust him) since he has lots of work to do on himself.  I know he wants to get help and see if we can be together again in the future, but that's far off in my head, if it's even a possibility.  I'm just trying to survive each day, as it's a crazy place in my head.  Oh, and I got some tests run at the lady doc on Monday eve, so here's hoping he DOESN'T call me this week with any positive results.  So that's the story.  Sorry it's not so great.

Otherwise, I have wonderful friends who are keeping me social and letting me feel my feelings, and I even kissed a very hot 23-year-old (aka "a teen") last Saturday.  It was nice, but it was also upsetting because I just don't think I'm supposed to be there again, yet here I am.  Alas.  I've lost weight, which is strange because though I wasn't eating at first, I have since made up for it (especially with a hangover Sunday menu of nachos AND sweet & sour chicken!  Sick!)  I am going to at least focus on my diet and exercise as some sort of distraction, and I'm taking non-medicated OTC sleeping pills at night so I can sleep through till morning, and I am (yes, I know) smoking like a chimney, but those last two will abate with time.

SO.  Debbie Downer, eh?  Well, last night I walked home from work with Schmauren, and it was lovely.  Tonight I am going to watch DVR'd Glee (how can they pit it against Lost?) after I do some exercise, perhaps Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred to mix it up.  I'm also going to try not to crazily stare at my phone, waiting to hear that her doc appt. went as expected and now he's done speaking to her.  But I might.

Food plan:
B - Special K, coffee, milk - 4
L - turkey & muenster sammy, yogurt with strawberries - 6
D - Creamy Artichoke Lasagne, salad - 6
S - orange, Ginger Carrot soup, string cheese - 3
Total - 19 (maybe I'll add Sugar Free Jello Pudding for dessert?)
Activity - bike at the gym or SHREDDING

Late and What I Ate: Wednesday, January 13

Wow, so being suddenly busy at work really cut into my internet time. Sorry, vast legions of fans. I didn't want to totally disappear today, though, because it was weigh-in day, and I dropped another two pounds! I'm fine with this rate, though I know it'll get harder as I lose 'em. Still, after a bad hangover weekend and that killer cheesecake yesterday, I'm pleased.

That reminds me, I didn't eat either of my snacks yesterday, but I did eat a tiny sliver of the cheesecake with chocolate mousse...good Lord. I couldn't even finish my small piece, but in the beginning, when I was innocent, it was AMAZING. I did stay on track with the gym last night, so I think the damage was minimal (and the psychological benefits were maximal.)

So today, I already ate:
B - coffee, Honey Bunches of Oats with Strawberries, skim milk (4)
L - chicken and swiss on sandwich thin with L&T, Miracle Whip light and mustard; pear (4)
D - brown rice with vegetable tomato sauce and cubed chicken (7); romaine salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, homemade vinaigrette (2)
S - Dannon Light & Fit yogurt (1), light string cheese before gym (2)
Total - 20
Activity - 30-40 minutes of stationary bike riding (at varied resistances)
Flex points remaining - 35
Weight - 146 lbs.

Tomorrow I have book club, so I won't hit the gym, but since it's in BFE on 10th Avenue, I'll at least get some walking in. It's even supposed to be warmer out -- the high is 39 degrees! I can try to get to the gym this weekend to make up for my missing a day at least, but I'll see how it goes. I'm not going to kill myself this time, but make it a lifestyle, which I sort of succeeded at last time. There were external temptation factors, let's say.

Anyway, going to start getting ready for bed, but wanted to be discplined and get this up. Oh, and I'm into J&J now, and I thought I just hated Julie in the movie, but I sort of hate her in the book. Maybe I'm biased? It doesn't help that Amy Adams' terrible picture with the short bus haircut is on the cover of the paperback I'm reading. Still, I'll try to wait until I read the whole thing, but man, PULL IT TOGETHER WOMAN. She's a mess, and not a sympathetic one.

So sweet dreams, bumblebees!

What I Ate: Wednesday, January 6

Talk about hump day -- this day is crawling a snail's pace. I don't have much to do at work (at least until this afternoon), and I've almost exhausted all of my internet time-wasting things already. I suppose I could do my freelance work this afternoon, as at least that would be productive! How are your days, dear readers?

Food.
B - coffee x2, Special K with Red Berries, Milk (4)
L - chicken (Boar's Head Everroast...mmmm) and swiss on sandwich thin with L&T, Miracle Whip light and mustard; apple (4)
D - brown rice with vegetable tomato sauce and cubed chicken (7); romaine salad with tomatoes, cucumbers, feta, homemade vinaigrette (2)
S - light yogurt (2)
Total - 19, but I may need a snack later on. If anything, more milk in more coffee/tea will put me to 20.
Activity - 30-40 minutes of stationary bike riding at the gym (at varied resistances) AGAIN
Weight - 148 lbs. (-2!)

A note about activity points: Yes, I can eat the points I earn with exercising, but I'm going to try not to unless I feel really hungry.
A note about my point limit: I realized that I was on the border of needing to raise my daily limit (the line is 150 lbs.) and perhaps that (plus the stretching of my tummy over the holidays) is why I've been so hungry so far this week. I'm hoping to adjust to the restricted diet again soon, and find filling, low-point snacks, like skim milk. (Hmm, that sounds sad.)

In life news, I did my boring responsibility things like writing thank-you notes yesterday. I contacted the insurance company, but of course they replied already, so I have to do some medical bill research tonight. So thrilling.

I'm looking forward to the weekend and plans with friends plus plans with myself and solitary movie-watching! I enjoy alone time much more than I used to, and it's very refreshing to hide out for a little bit each weekend.

Again, this is BORING but disciplined, right? And I'm down 2 pounds, which could be just normal fluctuation, but at least encourages me a bit. I also started watching the new season of Biggest Loser (man, they don't take much of a break) and hopefully that will provide encouraging, too -- unlike last season when I watched while munching on takeout.

I need salad dressing advice. (Who doesn't?!) I finally am making my own, low-point dressing, but the last "recipe" I tried included dijon mustard, olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and some seasoning, and kept FREEZING in my fridge. Is there something in that chemical combination? Granted, I need a real salad dressing container, as I'm using cheap ketchup and mustard squeeze bottles from the dollar store, but still... it makes me wonder if I'm doing something strange. Like when I was young and I'd do science experiments by combining all of the products in the bathroom in a paper cup and seeing what happened. (I'll tell you what happened -- often it ate right through the paper cup, and Mom was mad!)

More later, if I get inspired. Oh, and update: Blackbeard is totally not into me this week.